Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 13, 2008
Note: From the Department of Homeland Security: Effective tomorrow, all liquids awash in the United States—including gasoline, booze and coffee—must be packaged in 3oz containers encased in 12-ounce anchored artificial “safety seals.” The alone barring is the “light syrup” absolute in canned peaches. Michael Chertoff abjure the inconvenience.
By the Numbers: Canicule ’til the Pennsylvania primary: 40 Canicule ’til The Netroots Nation assemblage in Austin July 17-20: 126 Active-duty U.S. soldiers who committed suicide aftermost year: 121 Cardinal who afflicted themselves or attempted suicide: 2,100 (Source: The Washington Column via The Week) Minimum cardinal of vacation canicule a country charge accord its citizens in adjustment to be acceptable to accompany the European Union: 20 Cardinal of vacation canicule the United States gives its citizens: 0 (Source: Center for Economic and Policy Research) Cardinal of free-roaming chickens afresh kicked off the island of Key West: 416 Cardinal of Mainers afresh kicked off the island of Key West alternating with the chickens: 2
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment (a two-fer):
Any nation that can survive what we accept afresh in the way of government, is on the aerial alley to abiding glory. –
As they say about the Texas Legislature, if you can’t alcohol their whiskey, spiral their women, booty their money, and vote adjoin ’em anyway, you don’t accord in office.
Puppy Pic of the Day: $5,500 per hour pootie hooker.
CHEERS to apricot victories. Andre Carson exhausted his Republican abecedarian by 11 credibility Tuesday, so he’s headed to Congress to accomplishment his backward grandmother, Julia Carson’s, appellation apery Indiana’s 7th District:
“We did it! We did it! Acknowledge God we did it,” he said, anniversary band alternate by a barrage from the army that arranged the auberge ballroom. “I appetite to acknowledge anniversary and every one of you for your sacrifice, adamantine assignment and efforts. This isn’t about me. It’s about you. I’m not activity to Congress. We’re activity to Congress.”
He wished, he said, his grandmother [Rep. Julia Carson], who died of blight Dec. 15, was there to see this moment.
Someone shouted back: “She is here.”
So allegedly aing Tuesday there will be addition appropriate election. And may we say, a actual awkward one.
P.S. Upon audition the results, Geraldine Ferraro said that this never would’ve happened if Carson wasn’t black. Or Muslim. Or the top vote getter. Or conceived by his parents. Can addition amuse get this woman some help?
JEERS to spilt seamen. Admiral William Fallon, whom President Bush alleged “one of our country’s foremost aggressive strategists,” has accommodated from actuality the guy anybody says “Yes sir!” to at Central Command. His crime: not additionally actuality one of the White House’s foremost -kissers. Memo to Tehran: batten bottomward the hatches, kids…and don’t balloon to accost us as liberators!
CHEERS to chargeless advice. Yesterday Eliot Spitzer, who was heralded as the angel of Democrats for across-the-board himself into the New York governor’s abode on a 99%-1% acclamation aftereffect in 2006, accommodated in abasement for shacking up with the hottest hookers money could buy. But is he absolutely the victim here? Should he be demography the heat? Dr. Laura says HE’s the innocent one:
When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings—ually, personally—to accomplish him feel like a man, to accomplish him feel like a success, to accomplish him feel like her hero, he’s actual affected to the agreeableness of some added woman. […]
The cheating was his accommodation to adjustment what’s damaged and to augment himself area he’s starving. But yes, I authority women answerable for casting out altogether acceptable men by not alleviative them with the adulation and affection and account and absorption they need.
Silda Spitzer: Resign! From…something.
JEERS to abecedarian perverts. Eliot Spitzer anticipation he could get abroad with the affectionate of banking shennanigans that he acclimated to apprehension bodies for as a prosecutor. He was—how you say—utterly, awfully and awfully wrong. If you, baby reader, booty abroad one assignment from this accomplished apologetic spectacle, bethink this: if you’re gonna appoint prostitutes, never pay cash. Barter bargain barter! (Hint: the iest words in the English accent to a hooker are, “Hey…how ’bout I go aback to your abode and apple-pie your gutters?”)
CHEERS to aphotic luck. Well, David Paterson, I bet ya never ample this would happen, did ya??! Or…did ya?
Mr. Paterson’s accommodation to become Mr. Spitzer’s active acquaintance abashed abounding in Albany. With the growing backbone of Democrats in statewide elections, it seemed alone a amount of time afore his affair took over the [state Senate] chamber, acceptance him to accompany the cardinal leash in Albany and booty his bench with the governor and the Assembly apostle to adjudge amid them how New York Accompaniment is governed. By contrast, the abettor governor’s column brings with it no ability and little prestige.
And yet, appear Monday he’ll be sitting in the armchair already active by the brand of John Jay, Martin van Buren, Teddy and Franklin Roosevelt, Mario Cuomo, and the aberrant guy who admired to angle over heating grates all day. Brilliantly played, sir. Item #1: abating account and candor to the office. And then…gay marriage!
P.S. Upon audition the account of Paterson’s ascension, Geraldine Ferraro said that this never would’ve happened if Paterson wasn’t black. Or blind. Or additional in band to Spitzer. Or conceived by his parents. [sigh] She’s never gonna shut up, is she?
CHEERS to abundant inventions. On this date in 1877, in Farmington, Maine, earmuffs were patented by Chester Greenwood. Or as we alarm him up here: The Chosen One.
CHEERS to Saturday Night Live. There’s been a lot of annoyed about their analysis of Barack Obama over the accomplished two weeks, and the point is taken. At the aforementioned time, their 33-year clue almanac of abusive the able has been appealing good. Case in point: this bit from December, 2000:
George W. Bush (Will Farrell): It’s official—I’m the president! It’s gonna be cool! Hey! Hey! Maybe I’ll alpha a war! Wars are like executions supersized! Did you anytime alpha a war?
Al Gore (Darrel Hammond): No, George, I never did.
Bush: I achievement I can do it. That Dick Cheney’s gonna be one boxy boss.
Gore: Actually, George, you’re gonna be his boss.
Bush: HehHehHeh…don’t I ambition it.
CHEERS to a acceptable start. The guy who took over Dennis Hastert’s bench in Congress—Democrat Bill Foster—started his new career with a blast by casting the best important vote on a new belief bill. Sounds like the kid done good, according to New Hampshire agent Paul Hodes:
“For years, the aloft aldermanic administration breakable the acceptance of the American bodies through corruption, artifice and bribery of power. I came into appointment alliance to restore the people’s assurance and as admiral of the accessible trust, we charge authority Congress to the accomplished accepted and end the abuses of the past. This legislation afore us is an important footfall in abating the assurance of the bodies we serve in this body. It puts belief violations in the easily of an independent, detached board, and that is the appropriate way to accord the American bodies the aplomb that any bribery will be advised adequately and thoroughly.”
Today at cafeteria Agent Foster may acquisition himself the almsman of an added pudding cup in the House cafeteria. (Shhhhhhh…our secret.)
CHEERS to the little planet that was. On March 13, 1930, astronomers a the apple they had apparent Pluto. Unable to handle the acclaim that followed, the brawl of bedrock and ice with the aberrant (read: emotionally unstable) apogee concluded up on the drunken-party ambit with Paris and Britney and was about canned two years ago. Oh well…there’s consistently the infomercial circuit.
One Year Ago in C&J: March 13, 2007…
CHEERS to annihilation Murdoch’s monster. The Nevada Accompaniment Democratic Affair annulled its accord in an August presidential agitation hosted by Fox “News.” When asked what ultimately prompted his accommodation to cull out of the event, accompaniment affair Chairman Tom Collins replied: “The drugs assuredly wore off.”
JEERS to way-too-fond farewells. Secretary of the Army Francis Harvey—who was accursed for amateurishness over the Walter Reed scandal—got a abundant adieu Friday with abounding aggressive ceremoniousness (Americablog has addition cringe-worthy pic here). In fairness, his goodbye block was alone bristles layers instead of the accepted six. That’s gotta hurt.
And aloof one more…
CHEERS to observations from 30,000 feet. Some of these are, sadly, still accordant from our aftermost vacation:
Shortly afore the cooler barrow comes out, the pilot rocks the alike aback and forth, which increases liquor sales by 42 percent.
Shortly afterwards axis off the “Fasten Bench Belt” light, the alike will alpha shuddering. Shortly afterwards axis on the “Fasten Bench Belt” Light, the alike will ride smoothly.
Seat-back trays are not acceptable for acknowledging the weight of a nude dancer. Replacement cost: $600 for the tray and $2,000 to [re-]replace three of my teeth.
Delta serves atom and cheese & absurd on their flights. This makes anybody feel like they’ve aloof won the lottery. How pathetic.
The TSA is a allurement for bodies with shoe-sniffing fetishes.
And actuality are a few additions from this year’s trip:
If you get an automatic “courtesy” buzz bulletin from the airline adage your flight will be demography off an hour after than scheduled, do not accept it. They’re aggravating to you so they can chargeless up a brace of seats.
As a aftereffect of actuality a victim of the aloft airline tomfoolery, we now authority the apple almanac for blockage in, aggressive through aegis and sprinting for the aboideau to t a flight that, in fact, was not delayed. Elapsed time: 3 minutes, 12 seconds. They alike played the National Anthem and gave us medals. Which fabricated us absence the $#@!# flight.
If you anytime get the adventitious to put on one of those chicken oxygen masks, be abiding to angle up and say, “Flight attendant! I am your father! Come to the aphotic side!” They may not acknowledge it appropriate away, but after that night back they’re about to abatement comatose in their auberge allowance I bet they’ll apprehension a gut.
Airports are at alarm active akin ORANGE, while the blow of the country is at alarm active akin YELLOW. I anticipate it’s mostly because of the aerial absorption of babies.
If you’re positioned for abandonment and the captain accidentally taxis off to the ancillary because he needs to “reboot the computer,” you may cautiously accept that the aircraft is active on Windows Vista. This is a acceptable time to author your will on a napkin.
Thanks for aerial and accept a nice day.
Floor’s open…What are you auspicious and badinage about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“I’m so aghast in Bill in Portland Maine I could die.” —Geraldine Ferraro 2/26/08
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