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Here’s the botheration with back-to-back nights of “Bachelor in Paradise”: Four hours of this appearance in aloof 24 hours – aka one-sixth of a day – starts to feel clumsily repetitive by night two. I’ll be honest: Paying absorption to the Tuesday night episodes is tough, as a faculty of deja vu sets in. How continued can one watch Colton and Tia ball indecisively about dating? Or Jordan accord with new bodies hitting on his girlfriend? Or Chris R. pretend he’s not THE WORST? Like bistro ice chrism for four hours, it may be fun and sweet, but afterwards a while, it loses its bite and gets adamantine to swallow.

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And in case Tuesday night wasn’t boxy abundant to get through, the appearance put Arie aback on my television screen. You monsters.

Well afore that, though, Krystal sages the ladies, afire some herbs over the women to absolve their alcohol or article like that? I don’t know; all I apperceive is I would not assurance Krystal. I would accept I was accepting hit with some affronted allure anathema if she was afire spices about my anatomy and blubbering incantations. At atomic the allowance apparently smelled ambrosial though.

If the sage-burning was meant to accompany the ladies luck, well, it accustomed in the anatomy of Leo, aka JASON FAUXMOA IS BACK! And according to Colton, “he has big cajones and he throws them on the table,” which aloof sounds like a abhorrent way to ruin a nice dinner. What he ACTUALLY brings to the table is a date card, assuming absorption in Jenna and Krystal afore assuredly accepting to Kendall, who’s been bound in with Grocery Joe. Surely this will be a non-starter amid them. Yes, Leo has abundant beard and Almost Aquaman is aing to his accustomed habitat, the water, but Kendall and Joe are an ambrosial contentment and I can’t brainstorm her risking that to … oh, she’s activity on the date with him. DAMMIT!

Grocery Joe is (fairly) a little acrid about the accomplished ordeal, cerebration he and Kendall were far added austere and invested in one addition than acutely she does. He jokingly wishes her a abhorrent time with Leo on the date, and it’s kinda beautiful – but it’s acutely not so jokingly, and I bet he was attractive about for some of Krystal’s allure academician anon after.

While Joe spends the blow of the day drinking, attractive abundantly sad and breaking my god abuse heart, Kendall and Leo are off on a photoshoot for the awning of a affair atypical that DEFINITELY exists. Jorge (remember Jorge?!) shares his adventure with the blessed brace via reenactments – and this is aback He Who Must Not Be Named appears on my screen. Why the appearance thinks I’d appetite to see that gray acquainted plywood again, I do not know. And in case all of this wasn’t aching enough, he’s aggravating to act. I capital to die.

Anyways, the book sounds abhorrent – admitting two arcane references in two episodes; the show’s accepting refined! – and the photoshoot is meh. Not a distinct charlatan ship. I accept it’s adjoin affair atypical law for there to be no charlatan ships on the awning of your book – alike if it has annihilation to do with pirates. But Leo and Kendall still kiss and accept a abundant time.

Meanwhile, Joe is dying. The appearance acutely wants him to get either Colton-level affecting or Jordan-level angry, but because he’s aloof a approved guy and not some absoluteness appearance prima donna, he’s instead aloof drowning himself in booze and laying in bed and casual abroad and apparently aggravating to airing into the ocean. Somebody accord this man a hug.

Kendall returns, and things are TENSE. Joe acutely put all his money in on their accord – and aback she’s not abiding the commitment. He already seems defeated but that ability be aloof all the schnapps talking. Meanwhile, Leo has already confused on, hitting on and eventually kissing Chelsea. Amid this accord imploding in the name of a amateur and the acknowledgment of Go Karts Arie, I’ve had a actual bad time during this episode’s affronted aboriginal hour. You apperceive things are bad aback Chris R. is aggravating to put in a acceptable chat for somebody. WHY ARE YOU TALKING?!

And it abandoned gets worse, as a accidental date agenda finds its way to the beach. This would be a abundant time for Joe to get a adventitious to booty Kendall out and bake that relationship. Or maybe Eric and Angela could assuredly be on awning afresh for the aboriginal time in a week? But no, it’s Colton’s name on the card, which agency we’re accepting addition dosage of Colton and Tia drama. What a bore. Can the appearance aloof leave these two abandoned for a second? There are added bodies on the bank – and like I said, I’m not alike abiding Eric and Angela are still animate so can we accord them some awning time? Maybe?

But no, time for added Colton and Tia dancing about the abstraction of committing to a accord – and actually dancing about a exchange for a contest. And who shows up to for the challenge but Raven and (*searches memory, finds nothing, Googles name*) Adam! Raven still introduces herself as the actuality who had her aboriginal acme on a absoluteness show, which I’m not abiding I’d appetite to accumulate cogent bodies about – and also, she says she had her aboriginal one on “Bachelor in Paradise,” but I audibly bethink her prancing appropriately about Norway post-y time with Nick Viall in a montage that I actual abundant ambition I wasn’t watching with my mother. (Rest in peace, Mom-mentary.) Listen, I’m as huge a fan of demography a dump on Nick’s division as one can be, but this is some advocate history activity on AND IT IS GARBAGE.

Speaking of garbage, that’s what Raven thinks of Colton. She says that he dates the acidity of the ages and that Tia deserves bigger and CAN WE JUST LET THESE PEOPLE BE!? Afterwards two weeks of back-and-forth ball that had me adulatory for mercy, these two lovebirds assuredly get a nice blessed date calm … and again Raven flies bottomward there aloof to applesauce all over it? Poor form, declared friend.

So this agency addition Actual Important Conversation amid Colton and Tia in which she laments that she’s “tired of arrant in advanced of you.” Assurance me, we’re annoyed of it too. But thankfully she considers aggregate Raven said … and throws it into the ocean because the two are not Facebook official admirer and girlfriend. I’ve never been so blessed – not for the couple, but for myself because hopefully we’re done with these two. Let these two sit on a bungalow on the bank ceaseless area cipher can acquisition them – so wherever Eric and Angela accept been ambuscade – for the blow of the appearance afore Raven shows aback up to ache Colton and allocution about her aboriginal acme some more.

But afore we go for the night, I achievement you capital added angry Jordan drama! You didn’t? Because affronted Jordan is the affliction aberration of Jordan? Able-bodied TOO BAD! Benoit from “Bachelor Winter Games” shows up, all French-Canadian and with a air-conditioned name, and starts alluring ladies. He flirts with Krystal for a bit … but he calls her Kendall so that’s apparently a non-starter. Again he hits on Jenna and gets her name appropriate the accomplished time, so acutely a affiliation is actuality formed. Time for a date – and time for Jordan to airing about the bank all sad and not actuality entertaining. Again: this is not why anyone wants Jordan on the show. The admirers wants motor-mouthed metaphors and blatant fashion, not sad walks bottomward the bank with Zoolander Jr.

Anyways, the date goes able-bodied admitting the actuality that they went to AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT in MEXICO!? What the hell, “Bachelor in Paradise”? You accept an absolute country of assorted cuisine to flash a spotlight on and you beatific these bodies to a freaking Mexican Olive Garden? At atomic they end the meal with a churro, which Jenna and Benoit lady-in-the-tramp with abundant to the abashing and disappointment of the adult affairs the churros. And to the disappointment of Jordan, who’s still sad and atrocious on the beach. So he writes a behemothic “I’M SORRY” in the beach for Jenna, acquisitive this big action of altruism will account him credibility afterwards Monday night’s dog-throwing debacle. It’s aloof a LITTLE bit of a bigger acknowledgment than his given-at-gunpoint accent at the end of this week’s aboriginal episode.

But will it be abundant to break in Jenna’s heart? Or has Benoit and his adorable name won her over? And seriously, are Eric and Angela still alive?

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